Shorts of the Metro
by Anime Borat
Summary: A collection of funny stories as told by the inhabitants of the Metro.


**Shorts of the Metro**

A/N: This was made spur of the moment. Long story short, there's no funny stories in the Metro 2033 category and it was a shame since Ulman's the funniest character around. I got the today of making this from some Haruhi Suzumiya crack-fics, the most notable being You Got HaruhiRolled by superstarultra. So here are some short humor stories featuring Metro 2033, **Shorts of the Metro.**

Disclaimer: Metro 2033 is the property of Dmitry Glukhovsky and 4A Games. No copyright infringement intended.

**Chapter 1: Friendly Ghost**

It had been a week since Artyom nuked the Dark Ones. Ever since he wiped them out, he was hailed a hero in Polis where he spent three days of meeting the locals, being praised by the cowardly council of Polis elders who refused to help his home station in its time of need, drinking shroom vodka and pork stew, and scoring girls.

Now, it's time for him to go home. He and his buddies, Ulman, Miller and the other Rangers were walking through a tunnel since there's no hand carts available. What rotten luck for them.

"So, Artyom," asked Ulman, "what did Khan say about that tunnel?"

"The tunnel," Artyom explained, "is full of ghosts."

"Ghosts?" Ulman raised an eyebrow in amusement. "Really? Why should I be scared of a little ghost?"

"Sssh," Artyom whispered silently. "Give them respect. They'll kill you."

"Kill me? How?" Ulman asked facetiously, puffing his chest to give a exaggerated manly look. Typical Ulman, never takes things seriously. Everyone broke into a spell of laughter.

"Can it, Ulman," Miller said. "Artyom walks through ghosts, mutants, and bandits like a hot knife through butter."

Ulman chuckled amiably. "You're right, Miller. Artyom has seen everything the metro has to offer and kicked in the ass."

"Thanks, Miller," Artyom replied. As they passed through another section of tunnel, Artyom gave a warning to his friends. "Everyone, stay away from the pipes. He says the pipes sing throughout the tunnels"

"Hey, Artyom," Ulman called out as he pressed his ear against one of the pipes. "It sounds like little kids are inside."

Mortified by Ulman's stupidity, or rather, his like of common sense and penchant for shocking everyone, Artyom quickly snapped, "Ulman, get over here! This is not funny!"

Ulman was listening to children's laughter in the pipes, then he turned back to Artyom. "Hey, I hear laughing but no singing." Miller facepalmed in frustration.

Ulman decided another tack. He spoke loudly to the pipes in a manner of a game show host, "Hey, kids. Someone is coming to visit today. And he's a very special someone from the West."

"_Who?... Who?... Who?..._" the children asked in chorus, their voices a sort of airy and hollow, sending chills down the spines of Artyom and the others.

Then Ulman cried to the top of his lungs, "PEDOBEAR!"

The voices screamed horrifically like banshees, causing everyone to jump to their feet, pull out their guns and aimed them nervously all around. Ulman dropped to ground laughing loudly, his hands on his belly and rolling around.

"Wow! That was a good one, huh?" he shouted as he guffawed.

"L-let's g-g-get o-outta here," stuttered one Ranger, who was trying regain his composure.

"That was not a _'good one_'," Miller sarcastically replied in anger. "God knows if something worst happens to us."

"Really?" Ulman let out a cheesy grin. "I thought Pedobear is a good joke." Artyom sighed at his immaturity. They walked on towards a wrecked train.

"Careful," Artyom warned. "This place is where the lost souls are. Be careful not to touch the silhouettes."

"Oh, really," Ulman said. "Are they the ghosts?"

"Of course they are." Artyome sighed once again. He then turned an angry glare at him. "How about you? Are you not scared of ghosts?"

"Of course not," Ulman said proudly. "I'm Ulman the Ranger who helped save the Metro from the Dark Ones..." His voice trailed off when he saw a shadow formed up on its own.

"Shit!" Artyom cursed, "it's one of ghosts. Get ready, friends. Whatever you do not touch it."

"R-really," Ulman gulped nervously, aiming his rifle downrange. As they watched the mysterious apparition formed up in front of them, he regretted his boast to the others a while ago; he never actually met ghosts before.

Their eyes widened into the dinner plates and their guns were shaking as the apparition approached them. Most, like Artyom, had encountered ghosts in some of the tunnels around the metro.

"Hey guys..." Ulman said weakly, trying to score a moment of humor. "Maybe we should tell him his going the wrong way." He chuckled faintly. No one volunteered a laugh, their eyes transfixed on the shadow. He added, "Hey, Mr. Ghost... You're going the wrong way. The real light is at the opposite end of the tunnel."

Ulman and Artyom began to sweat as the shadow got closer._ Damn it, Khan_, the hero scolded himself, _why did you not tell me to ask you about that wierd stuff you were chanting to keep the ghosts away_.

Just then, the ghost stopped. It stood there and slow transformed itself in the mist. Ulman cringed like a rusty door hinge while everyone else watched with glaring marksmanship eyes except for the other scared ranger.

Then Artyom shined the light on the shadow. It none other than the transparent figure of the late Bourbon the Huckster.

Artyom's eyes went wide. He asked in disbelief, "Bourbon?"

Borubon smiled and greeted loudly, "Artyom! Long time no see!"

"Bourbon, it's ggreat to see you!" Artyom greeted back as he shook hands with him despite the warning from Khan not to touch them, which isn't exactly holding shaking since Bourbon's ghostly hand seemed like a hologram. While Artyom seemed genuinely happy, the Rangers' jaws collectively clattered to the floor of the wrecked train in bewilderment.

"I heard from the other dead guys," Bourbon said, "that you kicked ass on the surface including roasting some Dark Ones. Hope you kicked some bitch and snot butt ass for me." His term for Demons and Nosalises respectively.

"Hey Bourbon," Artyom said, "I'd like you to meet some friends of mine." He waved his hand to his companions at the back. "Hey guys," he said to them, "say 'hi' to Uncle Bourbon."

"Hi," they said without enthusiasm waving their hands, clearly not believing their eyes, except Ulman, who couldn't take it.

"So? Rangers, eh?" Bourbon chuckled. "Look's like you know how to make the right friends."

"Without getting killed, of course," Artyom noted, remembering Bourbon still owes MGR to some guys in his previous life.

Boubon turned an eye at Ulman, who looked like he was traumatized for something. He asked Artyom, "Hey, Artyom, what's this guy's problem?"

"ARRRRRGGGGGGHH! A GHOST!" Ulman screeched. He sprinted like a bullet forward ahead of the others in such a break neck speed, all the while letting out a shriek so loud which was so loud that every mutant, other ghosts, and anomaly in the tunnel was frightened out of their wits and ran away.

Everyone was stunned and Bourbon deadpanned to break the silence, "You know, that guy should be on the Olympics."

A/N: Haha! End of my first story. Hope to write more. Please read and review.


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